Asylum
by Doomed to be Uke
Summary: Judai distanced himself from everyone around him. He was better off this way, he thought. The old Judai was better off gone. And besides, there was only one person who could bring him back. Judai's POV. Johan x Judai AKA Jesse x Jaden! READ WARNINGS!


Title: "Asylum"

Author: Uke

Rating: PG

Pairing: SLIGHT Johan x Judai (Jesse x Jaden).

Genre: Angst, general

A/N: I mainly intended this story to basically be a POV of the thoughts of Judai, and just general angsting with some SLIGHT Spiritshipping. But I think it came out more Spiritshippy than I had hoped...I got a little carried away, I can't help myself. XD;; Ah well!! I hope that you guys like this story!! It's from Judai's POV and his thoughts are completely angst-tastic. Please don't think that because of this, I hate Judai. I ADORE the boy. XDD I just like this type of fanfiction. So yush, please understand that.

Warnings: This story contains **SPOILERS** for season 4 of Yugioh GX and mainly the END of the series!! If you don't know what happens and you don't want to until it airs in the dub, then I suggest you DON'T read this!! Also this story contains _SLIGHT_ mentions of **SHOUNEN-AI **(BOY x BOY love)! It's not friendship, kiddies, so don't read if you no likey!!

Disclaimer: Do I really have to say it? I don't own Yugioh GX, that's old news. XDD

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White walls, a white bed, white blinds shading a window tightly to prevent any light from coming in. A completely dark room. Shadows in every corner. Total silence. Thin air filled with memories of good and bad times that I erased completely from my life...

It was like living in an asylum.

And in a sense, I almost was. I practically already lost my mind. Maybe not in the physical sense, but I lost who I was. I lost everything and gave up on everyone just because I thought it was the right thing to do. I knew it wasn't, I knew I was going down the wrong path as soon as I started...but there's no going back now. I could never look back. The old me is gone.

The way I started off...supposedly people looked up to me that way. People would follow me. People would look to me when something went wrong. I was the hero. I was the person who would save the day.

And with everything riding on my shoulders all I'd do is smile. Everything was a game for me. Duels were about having fun and nothing else. The world could be ending and everyone around me could be dying, but all I'd be able to think of is how fun it was to be living the way I was. I loved life and I loved doing what I did. I didn't stop to think of how childish I was acting or how immature. I saw nothing wrong with anything.

But that's just the way I was. No one else saw anything wrong with it, either. It was just fine. I was perfect the way I was, they'd say. They'd all say the same thing...

All of them learned the hard way.

Innocence doesn't exist. Children don't stay children forever. Eventually everyone grows up. Everyone changes right before your eyes. Why have a role model when you know that one day you'll just watch them fall before you?

That's how it was for everyone else when they looked at me.

The Dark World; the moment of truth. The weeks of completely torture. It changed me. It changed everyone. "Matured"? Everyone just realized the truth of who I was. They saw that I wasn't who they thought I was.

I wasn't a hero. I wasn't a leader. I wasn't perfect. I was _human_.

I made so many mistakes during this time, it was insane. At the time, I believed that all of my actions had an ultimate goal of something good. I believed that I was being sincere and helping everyone.

But one by one I hurt them all. They left me, and though they came back for me during my darkest days, I couldn't look any of them in the face anymore. At least not the way I used to.

I broke their heart. They may have been the ones that believed in me...they may have been the ones that followed me to that world in the first place...but _I_ was the one who hurt them. _I_ was the one's the shattered their dreams. Destroyed their façade of me. Maybe it was better that they no longer believed a lie...but at the same time was it really the best to go upon it in this way?

I guess you could say that Yubel was the one who truly opened my eyes. Yubel wanted me to grow up. After disappointing everyone, how could I disappoint the one person I made the ultimate promise to? It may have been in my past life, I may have had no recollection of it when I was reborn, but I was aware that I said it.

So I grew up for him. It was my last hope. I was so broken that I had no one anymore. I barely had any desire to live anymore. What was the point? I hurt everyone so badly and I knew very well myself that the only _real_ way to make up for their pain would be if I felt all of that pain as well. I deserved to have everything shattered in my life just like things were shattered in theirs...

And even Yubel...my last hope. I couldn't even make him happy.

I was a failure to everyone. They may have not said so; they may have even forgiven me. But I forced myself to stay away. I forced myself to stay distanced.

I was different now. I could no longer be the way I was. I could never go back to that Judai.

That Judai had to be locked away forever. It was for my own good...and for the good of everyone else.

The rage found deep inside of my heart was proof enough that the old Judai needed to be banished along with him. If that Judai came back...it would just be a cycle of events. I'd learn to love again, I'd learn to have fun again, but I'd hurt everyone at the same time.

I lost my ability to have fun, but at least I was able to save everyone around me.

I sighed as I stood up, standing alone in the white room. Nothing on the walls...no reminder of my past...nothing that could possibly turn me back to the way I was.

I looked towards my bed and lifted up the pillow encased in a white pillow case. Underneath was a picture, the backside up to not see what was printed on it.

As I turned it around my heart seemed to stop just as it always did when I would just _think_ of his name. Johan Anderson. Smiling as always in the picture, his green eyes sparkling as they always did when he'd look at me.

I felt myself tremble, still holding the picture tightly in my hands, I brought them to my face to cover my eyes. Tears filling my eyes again...something I desperately tried to hold back but I always failed every single time. _He_ was the only person who could bring the old me back. _He_ was the only person that could make me feel this way over and over again no matter how hard I tried to suppress my feelings.

I had no regrets. I didn't want to go back. I liked the way I was now. I felt like I made the right choice. I felt like there was nothing I should do differently.

But Johan was the one thing I missed...missed with everything I had. When I thought about him I'd realize that I would gladly go back and do everything all over again. All of my mistakes, all of the hurt towards myself and my friends...I would go through it all a million times more just for him.

Losing him was my single regret. He was the one that put me in this asylum of my own mind.

Johan Anderson...

-END-


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